Saturday, April 7, 2012

Overcoming Loss; when does it end? Or does it?

   It was 3:30 pm on June 2nd 2011 when I was getting off of work and I looked at my phone noticing several missed calls and several text messages.  Many of them from my twin sister with the words "emergency; please call me!! " I also notice my brother (Shane) had called me; which was unusual because we rarely talk on the phone.  I immediately thought "Something is wrong with mom." 
   As I was getting into my car I called my twin sister and she was sobbing and asked me if I was driving.  I answered "I'm on my way home; what is the matter?"  She could barely say the words as in disbelief; "Teri (our sister) shot herself in the head."  This didn't register clearly to me.  I asked "Is she alive?"  and Cyndi (my twin) wasn't sure.  I hung up with Cyndi and decided to call Rick (Teri's ex-husband, but rekindling their relationship) 

   Rick answered crying intensely to the point I could not understand him.  I asked him "Is it true that Teri shot herself?"  He answered "yes; she shot herself in the head."  I responded "Yeah, but she is alive right?"  He answered crying harder than before "No............"

  This has been a tragic event that I thought I could overcome; when truthfully I notice I've been highly effected by this in the worse way.  Teri was not only our sister, but also our part-time mother when we were babies and our full-time guardian as teenagers.  She not only took care of us twins she also took care our three brothers (at some point in their life.)  Teri loved and lived life to the fullest.  She deeply loved her two sons.  She loved family.

    I thought I could overcome this tragic loss soon after her ceremony, but I was completely wrong.  To this day I break down crying asking "Why is there so much going in our family?"  There isn't really any closure.  I notice I am not the same as I was since that tragic day.  I notice my ambition to be the best at everything is no longer there.  My grammar, my spelling, and my attention span has drastically changed to the point it seems I don't care.  But I do care; or I want to.  I get so frustrated as to why I can't be my old self.  The only thing I can channel all of these emotions is through CrossFit.

   One of my close friend said to me "You have to realize that not only did you lose your older sister, but then your twin sister had to leave for Afghanistan; which is another feeling of a loss loved one.  You ended your relationship two months later after the ceremony; and now you are moving and adjusting to a new job. Your brother has MS and you worry about him and your nephew was diagnose with Chronic Leukemia (Which he is doing very well now.)  All of this in one year no wonder you can't seem to stay focus."  I have been going full speed since all this that I never once slow down to cope as well as I should.  Any down time I have is when I lose it and I hate it.   

  I know it is a process and I want to get back to me again or a better me.  I know I will come out stronger than before.  I know the rest of my family is going through the same and I pray there is comfort for them.  If there is some one reading this and has considered taking their own life; please know that what ever pain you are going through isn't worth taking your own life.  It only causes pain and sorrow for all your loved ones for the rest of their life.   I will never get over this, but I will learn to live with the fact that Teri is gone. 

Please watch this video my sister-in-law made for us.

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